“LACRIMOSA”
(for Fiona Rose)
Life was a whole one,
For nearly thirty years, half
Before and after.
LACRIMOSA – the lachrymose, tearful – such is the working title of this very special – and private – collection of 49 Haiku and Tanka (the Intro not included).
Authentically reproduced here, and in chronological order, the poems resulted from what occurred between May 2023 and June 2024 concerning the death of my wife. I decided to use here the alias chosen by herself in lifetime: Fiona Rose.
We have been together for nearly 30 years, and married for nearly 29, and this might gladly have gone on for years. A serious downfall with the consequence of a handicapped ability to walk, leading finally to decubitus and sepsis, urged us to carry her to the hospital. That was her damnation to death, because, during the following six weeks, there she lost any drive and any power to live on. On June 8th, the Feast Of Corpus Christi in that year, she began to fade away slowly, while during the whole day incessantly a tear ran out of her right eye. My last SMS, which I wrote to her in the same evening, was the utmost burdensome I ever had to write – “spontaneously”, between hope and letting go. This day, this experience was eponymous for the collection.
What happened here has been absolutely ignominious for a merciful deity; this applies to the entire Way of Sorrows before, and afterwards!
The collecton is sometimes full of hope, sometimes dramatic, sometimes helplessly irate. This period, especially the last three days before she died, which I named the “bottom of hell”, have changed the priorities in my life.
I decided to post the collection approximately one and a half years after her death here as it is. On the one hand, it may be a monument of loving memory for my wife, at the same time the true documentation of the way the commiserating partner went until the end, with all its hopes and spiritual abyss – and how it is possible to regain the light.
On the other hand it may be of assist for all those who have to go a comparably dark and painful way.
Farewell …
This glen left behind,
One of the last SMS by Fiona Rose, on May 7th at 4:20 p.m., in the situation which continuously became more precarious, and at last was desperately inevitable. (May 12th)
This glen left behind,
And we will see not afar
The bright horizon.
One of the last SMS by Fiona Rose, on May 7th at 4:20 p.m., in the situation which continuously became more precarious, and at last was desperately inevitable. (May 12th)
HE Rages, Inscrutably, Ineffably …
God´s ward is clasping
Some words which should provide comfort and confidence to the tormented one – but God pitilessly puts just more coal into the fire! (May 16th)
God´s ward is clasping
You, neither his gracious hand
Nor his custody.
Some words which should provide comfort and confidence to the tormented one – but God pitilessly puts just more coal into the fire! (May 16th)
Helpless Under The Sway Of The Abominable
As hostage you are,
Since exactly one month we are captured by a randomly erratic caprice – hardly a hope on deliverance … (May 29th)
As hostage you are,
At the mercy of caprice,
Condemned to patience.
With every step forward
I only could cause danger.
Since exactly one month we are captured by a randomly erratic caprice – hardly a hope on deliverance … (May 29th)
Dark Pentecost Spirit 2023
The fury raging –
The “Master Of Pain” seems to be unleashed again … pain and decay, as it was in darkest periods. (May 30th)
The fury raging –
HE does not regard mercy!
Pain unlimited.
The “Master Of Pain” seems to be unleashed again … pain and decay, as it was in darkest periods. (May 30th)
… Regarded From A Different Point Of View
We have badly failed:
(May 31st)
We have badly failed:
You because you did not brake
For your benefit,
Me for I braked well – not you! –
The punishment is deserved!
(May 31st)
Abominable Conspiracy
Alone against God
The “Master Of Pain” IS absolutely unleashed … pain and decay IN darkest periods! (June 6th to 9th)
Alone against God
And against His entire hell –
Charge against windmills!
The “Master Of Pain” IS absolutely unleashed … pain and decay IN darkest periods! (June 6th to 9th)
Die Fast, Spartacus!
Helpless facing pain
The title, a sentence at the end of the old “Spartacus” movie, remarks the desperate helplessness of those who see excruciating pain of other ones, but absolutely cannot do anything against it. (June 10th)
Helpless facing pain
Of the mostly beloved ones –
As to die oneself.
The title, a sentence at the end of the old “Spartacus” movie, remarks the desperate helplessness of those who see excruciating pain of other ones, but absolutely cannot do anything against it. (June 10th)
Phoenix From The Ashes
The mountain moved by
The renouncement of the revelation of knowledge about his real essence may have moved God, some more hours of torture later, apparently at last to relent mercifully. Takenoha is another alias of the author. (June 16th)
The mountain moved by
Takenoha by means of
His redemptive “deal”.
The renouncement of the revelation of knowledge about his real essence may have moved God, some more hours of torture later, apparently at last to relent mercifully. Takenoha is another alias of the author. (June 16th)
You Have Truly Been Deserving Of This!
Beyond the dark clouds
The text absorbs words of the Gospel song “A Home On High” by L.W. Mansfield (1816-1898), which has been transferred into German by the US-American reverend Walter Rauschenbusch (1861-1918), who had German ancestors.
This was the haiku on the ribbon of the flower buquet I laid down upon the tomb of my Fiona Rose. She was always afraid of thunderstorms; even this is over now. (June 17th; in memory of June 10th, 22:23 CEST)
Beyond the dark clouds
No more thunderstorm impends:
Find tranquil peace now.
The text absorbs words of the Gospel song “A Home On High” by L.W. Mansfield (1816-1898), which has been transferred into German by the US-American reverend Walter Rauschenbusch (1861-1918), who had German ancestors. This was the haiku on the ribbon of the flower buquet I laid down upon the tomb of my Fiona Rose. She was always afraid of thunderstorms; even this is over now. (June 17th; in memory of June 10th, 22:23 CEST)
Tender Light Of Salvation
Crucifixa es
… once more focusing the emotions from June 10th … (June 18th)
Crucifixa es
quam Iesus – merita nunc
in luce vive.
Crucified you were
Like Jesus – your merit now:
To live in the light.
… once more focusing the emotions from June 10th … (June 18th)
Till Death Do Us Part … ??
HE tore her away
It is finished, all over – that speaks for itself, in a straight inexorability! However, else? NOTHING will be able to tear us apart – not even then when both of us, having turned to ashes, once will be given back to the earth !!! (June 22nd)
HE tore her away
Violently solved the oath.
No chance left for me.
It is finished, all over – that speaks for itself, in a straight inexorability! However, else? NOTHING will be able to tear us apart – not even then when both of us, having turned to ashes, once will be given back to the earth !!! (June 22nd)
Welcome To Avalon!
You must call the things
THAT was the sign in order to conclude with what happened: YOU thyself told to me these words in a dream vision when I awoke. YES, you have been found by your preceded ones, and you feel quite fine there, at which I myself must not unhand you completely, may not unhand you, but always keep “part” of you: MEMENTO BONI … remember the straight … !!! (June 26th, 21:00 CEST exactly, awakening from a sleep of exhaustion …)
You must call the things
by name to possess something
Of their entity.
THAT was the sign in order to conclude with what happened: YOU thyself told to me these words in a dream vision when I awoke. YES, you have been found by your preceded ones, and you feel quite fine there, at which I myself must not unhand you completely, may not unhand you, but always keep “part” of you: MEMENTO BONI … remember the straight … !!! (June 26th, 21:00 CEST exactly, awakening from a sleep of exhaustion …)
The „Match” Is Over
Simply torn away
Today, on June 28th, was the “day of days”, the day of our last way together on this earth. Our “match”, our harmonic compatibility, is history now … (June 28th)
Simply torn away
From me you were - definitely
It is from now on.
Today, on June 28th, was the “day of days”, the day of our last way together on this earth. Our “match”, our harmonic compatibility, is history now … (June 28th)
Abyssus – Can Decline Be Deeper?
One must have seen you
Concerning the “Bottom Of Hell” you AND me have been urged down upon on June 10th. The relations which led to this, the traitorous chicanery getting clearly more and more, keep me on and on: I am not yet done with HIM … (June 29th)
One must have seen you
As the crucified one for
Truly knowing God.
Concerning the “Bottom Of Hell” you AND me have been urged down upon on June 10th. The relations which led to this, the traitorous chicanery getting clearly more and more, keep me on and on: I am not yet done with HIM … (June 29th)
Lacrimosa
Tears from solid gold,
… in memoriam the heart-rending tears of June 8th, 2023, the Feast Of Corpus Christi – which for me since then is named “Lacrimosa”! (July 2nd)
Tears from solid gold,
Lacrimosa Cassandra,
Silently running
Out of the world-weary eye,
Aware the nearby farewell.
… in memoriam the heart-rending tears of June 8th, 2023, the Feast Of Corpus Christi – which for me since then is named “Lacrimosa”! (July 2nd)
Odisse – Odyssee - Odessa
Was it knowingly
This “mysterious” artistic haiku, containing wortplaying relations and multifaceted sense layers, will probably never be published – a result of my compilation of all our SMS´es leading to a “Diary Of An Announced Death”; “odisse” is Latin and means “to hate”. (July 3rd)
Was it knowingly
Own will? Or unknowingly
Inevitable?
This “mysterious” artistic haiku, containing wortplaying relations and multifaceted sense layers, will probably never be published – a result of my compilation of all our SMS´es leading to a “Diary Of An Announced Death”; “odisse” is Latin and means “to hate”. (July 3rd)
… But I Have Promises To Keep …
Your death, decreed yet
A very important tanka! Here probably facts are noted which burden, but also disencumber – perhaps finally?
If the calculation is right, there were approximately 1,000 hours of this Way of Sorrow, summed up from April 29th in the evening to June 10th in the evening. The worldwide popular poem by Robert Frost from the year 1923 is quoted at the end: “… but I have promises to keep and miles to go, before I sleep”. (July 6th/7th)
Your death, decreed yet
In the last days of April.
Seven weeks of pain,
Vast and excruciating –
Wage for my word of honour!
A very important tanka! Here probably facts are noted which burden, but also disencumber – perhaps finally? If the calculation is right, there were approximately 1,000 hours of this Way of Sorrow, summed up from April 29th in the evening to June 10th in the evening. The worldwide popular poem by Robert Frost from the year 1923 is quoted at the end: “… but I have promises to keep and miles to go, before I sleep”. (July 6th/7th)
The Last Rose Of Summer
The rose withering,
… at the end of a day which once more showed plainly the upcoming end of what is loved or has been loved: “Tell them all they love will die, tell them why, in the sun” – better than Joan Baez no one would be able to express this.
“The Last Rose Of Summer” is an Irish traditional, presented e.g. by Clannad. (July 14th)
The rose withering,
Soon nights will become longer.
Everything changes …
… at the end of a day which once more showed plainly the upcoming end of what is loved or has been loved: “Tell them all they love will die, tell them why, in the sun” – better than Joan Baez no one would be able to express this. “The Last Rose Of Summer” is an Irish traditional, presented e.g. by Clannad. (July 14th)
“Sleepless Inspiration”
Memories flash by;
… offhandedly, within one of the sleepless nights, as so frequently in last times. (July 18th to 19th)
Memories flash by;
All what´s familiar can
Be over so fast.
… offhandedly, within one of the sleepless nights, as so frequently in last times. (July 18th to 19th)
I´m Not Yet Done With HIM
If you would have been
… at dead of night, after an interim wide-awake period, as they meanwhile occur quite often. However, sleep was a quite deep one afterwards … (July 20th)
If you would have been
Gone peacefully – making you
His own HE was right –
But HE crucified you – THIS
I CANNOT forgive HIM for!
… at dead of night, after an interim wide-awake period, as they meanwhile occur quite often. However, sleep was a quite deep one afterwards … (July 20th)
Good To Know …
Pretty good idea:
Your grave tomb – when everything seems to be somewhat too much … (August 8th)
Pretty good idea:
Place of tranquillity by
Your so beloved side.
Your grave tomb – when everything seems to be somewhat too much … (August 8th)
Final Awareness?
You contributed
… THAT could really be a “lucky punch”! … but a painful one … (August 9th)
You contributed
Your part consequently for
Not to be part of
What would have imposed only
Heavily desperate plight.
… THAT could really be a “lucky punch”! … but a painful one … (August 9th)
Songen-no-ku For Fiona Rose + Jesus
Undignified death,
Redemption is gained from the “master of pain” ONLY at the price of pain! Songen-no-ku means approximately “poem of dignity”. (August 10th)
Undignified death,
Pitiable your sight: price
For His kind pity.
Redemption is gained from the “master of pain” ONLY at the price of pain! Songen-no-ku means approximately “poem of dignity”. (August 10th)
Lost Treasure
HE tore her away
The memory ring is lost because I helped other people – a high prize, indeed! (August 13th, at night)
HE tore her away
From me once more – memory
Smashed into the mud!
The memory ring is lost because I helped other people – a high prize, indeed! (August 13th, at night)
Double Bind
The prosperous times
(August 19th, at night)
The prosperous times
With you will ever remain
In my memory
As well as the suffering
Of your atrocious leaving.
(August 19th, at night)
Recovered Treasure
Once more overcame
The memory ring has been recovered, because I firmly believed in this - and in the real treasure of human being: empathy! (August 19th)
Once more overcame
Charity, inherent part
Of human nature,
The jealousy and the rage
Of God bare of emotions.
The memory ring has been recovered, because I firmly believed in this - and in the real treasure of human being: empathy! (August 19th)
The Missing Heart
The missing heart, snatched,
Not necessarily your physical absence, but the missing presence of your “great heart” hurts. (August 22nd)
The missing heart, snatched,
Makes emptiness of days be
A heavy burden.
Not necessarily your physical absence, but the missing presence of your “great heart” hurts. (August 22nd)
Sense Or Not Sense …
Things in the wardrobe:
Is the insatiable search for “sense” in life over now? Well-nigh it seems to be so – what will remain is “void”, the last stage before nirvana. (September 22nd)
Things in the wardrobe:
Of sense together with you,
Without you senseless.
Is the insatiable search for “sense” in life over now? Well-nigh it seems to be so – what will remain is “void”, the last stage before nirvana. (September 22nd)
huic ergo parce … !!
I will forgive You
I shredded a “ward” haiku, just finished in a sleepless night, in order to make the “Master Of Pain” finally enforce the deserved deliverance for one more senselessly tormented soul – “Jizo in action”!
The title is taken from the “Lacrimosa” requiem movement and means “so give her (= the human soul to be judged) exemption”. (October 13th)
I will forgive You
The “ward” – thus finally You
move Your holy ass!
I shredded a “ward” haiku, just finished in a sleepless night, in order to make the “Master Of Pain” finally enforce the deserved deliverance for one more senselessly tormented soul – “Jizo in action”! The title is taken from the “Lacrimosa” requiem movement and means “so give her (= the human soul to be judged) exemption”. (October 13th)
Trusted Again … Betrayed And Forlorn
The divine timing,
The basic idea came on October 17th – I only liked to know whether HE is really the “Master of Pain”, if he is not the creator of all cosmic entity, but only, like myself, part of it. Mastery of time might be quite enough for him to be ahead of me and mankind … His answer, on the day after, was fatal – as my reaction was, another day later! (October 17th and 19th)
The divine timing,
Precisely adjusted for
Pain cumulation.
The basic idea came on October 17th – I only liked to know whether HE is really the “Master of Pain”, if he is not the creator of all cosmic entity, but only, like myself, part of it. Mastery of time might be quite enough for him to be ahead of me and mankind … His answer, on the day after, was fatal – as my reaction was, another day later! (October 17th and 19th)
requiescat in pace
What is here no more
After a key moment the rings are “laid aside” now – what is left is the thankful afterglow of the time spent together, and now passed by. (October 20th)
What is here no more
Cannot get lost any more –
I am unburdened.
After a key moment the rings are “laid aside” now – what is left is the thankful afterglow of the time spent together, and now passed by. (October 20th)
God´s Goodness?
As far as I hoped
Since May and June it was human charity being help for me – GOD blazed, as usual, as tormentor and destroyer! (October 21st)
As far as I hoped
For the spark of goodness: HE
Brutally scrunched it.
Since May and June it was human charity being help for me – GOD blazed, as usual, as tormentor and destroyer! (October 21st)
Deeply Inside Sorrows Scream
Spirit and reason
In spite of any progress in overcoming by reason the tragic occurrence … (October 21st)
Spirit and reason
Make me find a new life line –
But deeply in me
An undiscovered organ
Refuses to accept this.
In spite of any progress in overcoming by reason the tragic occurrence … (October 21st)
requiescat in pace II
HE might forever
The “undead” face of Your last days might now be with me forever – very well if THIS is the ultimate price for YOUR everlasting peace! (October 22nd)
HE might forever
Vouchsafe THIS peace to You, which
I forever lost.
The “undead” face of Your last days might now be with me forever – very well if THIS is the ultimate price for YOUR everlasting peace! (October 22nd)
“You Must Call The Things By Name …”
What human heart has
Next lap in the fight! What else would her “dream epiphany” of June 26th have been worth? (October 23rd)
What human heart has
bonded together, never
God may tear apart.
Next lap in the fight! What else would her “dream epiphany” of June 26th have been worth? (October 23rd)
Everlasting Peace?
Vast endlessness makes
(November 6th)
Vast endlessness makes
anchorless eternity.
Someone longs for grip -
Blessed are they who gain it by
Retro-flashbacks to this life.
(November 6th)
per aspera ad astra
Disburdened from pain
One of many “signs and miracles”: Glowing, however modestly, but undoubtlessly present in a sort of “holy” astral aura! (November 16th)
Disburdened from pain
In the beyond - really
Present as light here!
One of many “signs and miracles”: Glowing, however modestly, but undoubtlessly present in a sort of “holy” astral aura! (November 16th)
Dignity – SELF-determined !!
Your DIGNITY stripped
The “signs” point out to me that You have defended Your highest asset, Your self-determination! What kind of conclusio will I draw by this experience? – Heaven seems to be bewildered … (November 25th)
Your DIGNITY stripped
Off by HIM – YOU did NOT let
HER getting deprived.
The “signs” point out to me that You have defended Your highest asset, Your self-determination! What kind of conclusio will I draw by this experience? – Heaven seems to be bewildered … (November 25th)
condicio sine qua non
As soon as HE states
Bold announcement: the “undiscovered organ” sets a decisive condition – a logical, perhaps legitimate demand. (November 30th)
As soon as HE states
The reason for Your torture,
If there will find peace
The undiscovered organ –
Then at last peace may arise!
Bold announcement: the “undiscovered organ” sets a decisive condition – a logical, perhaps legitimate demand. (November 30th)
Dignity – SELF-determined II
As bitter it was,
“Anytime present as a “friendly ghost” she achieved two things, which were always important for her: She never wanted to be heteronomous and always be there where I am – THIS EXACTLY is what she is doing now, but without suffering pain any more.” (e-mail to a common friend) (December 13th)
As bitter it was,
YOU have won entirely –
HE only has lost.
“Anytime present as a “friendly ghost” she achieved two things, which were always important for her: She never wanted to be heteronomous and always be there where I am – THIS EXACTLY is what she is doing now, but without suffering pain any more.” (e-mail to a common friend) (December 13th)
Tamen movetur!
A heavenly hell –
6 + 1 weeks of torture, first of all emotionally – 6 weeks staring upon the same yellow wall and the “pseudo-Miro” – what kind of experiences and insights You would have received in this apparently endless pain?
The title reminds of the legendary statement of Galileo Galilei who realized that the truth discovered by him could not be disclaimed. (December 19th)
A heavenly hell –
Thus You would have really
Sensed HIS “divine ward”.
6 + 1 weeks of torture, first of all emotionally – 6 weeks staring upon the same yellow wall and the “pseudo-Miro” – what kind of experiences and insights You would have received in this apparently endless pain? The title reminds of the legendary statement of Galileo Galilei who realized that the truth discovered by him could not be disclaimed. (December 19th)
„per absurda ad aspera …”
Pain year after year,
… after one of these sleepless nights which make the “undiscovered organ” within me sort of burst … (January 6th - further on in the New Year …)
Pain year after year,
Terrible crucifixion –
Just simply absurd!
… after one of these sleepless nights which make the “undiscovered organ” within me sort of burst … (January 6th - further on in the New Year …)
Divine Infamy
Lo! How severely
One battle is done, with severe injuries, but the most important thing, our dignity, is defended against the essence with the utmost lack of dignity in cosmos. (January 25th)
Lo! How severely
HE tortured YOU, because I
Kept my promises –
Lo! How HE now tortured ME
Because YOU kept your promise!
One battle is done, with severe injuries, but the most important thing, our dignity, is defended against the essence with the utmost lack of dignity in cosmos. (January 25th)
Quiet Apology
Stemming your decline
In some ways I probably proved to be not strong enough … (February 14th – Valentine!)
Stemming your decline
Year after year I tried for –
Forlorn hope at last!
More and more I am oppressed
By the burden of failure!
In some ways I probably proved to be not strong enough … (February 14th – Valentine!)
Sense!
A life full of sense –
… a good idea against sleepless nights before going asleep. (February 27th, at night)
A life full of sense –
We gave one another what
God grimly denies.
… a good idea against sleepless nights before going asleep. (February 27th, at night)
Noah´s Olive Tree Branch
My angel was it
No answer, but a sign that things are as right as they are. (March 24th)
My angel was it
Who brought the olive tree branch:
The peace offering!
Everything is good, AS past
Or present, not asking WHY.
No answer, but a sign that things are as right as they are. (March 24th)
N´oubliée jamais
Beloved as only
The “undiscovered organ” pulsates uncompromisingly. (April 13th)
Beloved as only
A picture of misery
Till eternity.
The “undiscovered organ” pulsates uncompromisingly. (April 13th)
Murron Makes Me Fearless
… there I meet again
A positively exuberant deeply symbolic power! – Murron is, after her horrific death, “Braveheart´s” good spirit in the movie of the same title, the wording itself bases upon the “Prayer Of The Norsemen” in the movie “The 13th. Warrior”. (April 13th)
… there I meet again
… my love – tenderly smiling
She just waves for me,
She assigns to me my seat
At Avalon´s Round Table.
A positively exuberant deeply symbolic power! – Murron is, after her horrific death, “Braveheart´s” good spirit in the movie of the same title, the wording itself bases upon the “Prayer Of The Norsemen” in the movie “The 13th. Warrior”. (April 13th)
All You Gave Me
Smoothed are the waves of
When even most positive emotions vanish into air, memories remain and the sureness that nothing can tear us apart. (April 14th)
Smoothed are the waves of
Euphoria: All that was,
Is, and will be – You!
When even most positive emotions vanish into air, memories remain and the sureness that nothing can tear us apart. (April 14th)
(Ishisan 2024)